Ballad's Guilt Part seven Ending(?)
by Balladisabitch
Summary: Ballad thinks deeply about death.


"How old did you say you were?" I asked.

"Oh! I'm eighty three." she responded slowly with a raspy voice.

"Woah! Really?" I was in shock.

"mm hm, and how old are you...?" she asked slowly.

"...oh... I'm ..." I told her my age.

"You don't look ... !" she responded a bit in disbelief.

I sighed.

"I know..." I told her the reason why.

"How long have you been alive...?" she asked.

"longer than you think..." I said with almost no emotion.

"We'Ve BeEn AlIvE fOr YeArS... mAnY yEaRs." it spoke to me.

...

"BeFoRe ThErE wAs AnYtHiNg... ThErE wAs NoThInG... aNd BeFoRe ThErE wAs NoThInG tHeRe WaS dArKnEsS... aNd BeFoRe ThAt... ThErE wAs... ME"

"I WAS DEAD BEFORE I WAS ALIVE..."

We have always been here... and we... IT will NEVER die.

Cold...

So cold...

I can't feel...

Anything...

My body is...

Numb...

It's cold.

Very, very cold.

I can't breathe...

I can only see darkness...

Cold... cold... cold...

So very cold...

I inhaled deeply, finally getting some air. Streams of cold tears ran down my face and I couldn't feel my feet and hands. I couldn't remember a thing. All I could see was that I was back at my house, on my bed, a large band aid on my right hand, and my mother and sisters in the room. One of my sisters crying.

I couldn't even speak, my mind was trying to process what was even happening.

I asked them what happened.

They all told me that they found me on the kitchen floor, hand sliced with blood oozing from it, with a giant kitchen knife carved within some very hard bread. It would appear as if I were trying to slice the bread, but due to it being too hard I accidentally cut myself instead of the bread. My body language had given that I had no breath and hyperventalted too much which caused me to... "have a seizure". But I couldn't remember any of that. I hate blood yes, and I usually panic at the sight of it... well... depending on HOW the blood was shed. For the love of me, I just COULDN'T remember how it all REALLY happened. Every one claimed that I was cooking and accidentally cut myself. But there's no WAY that happened!

"I just can't trust you alone! The next time we shop you're either coming with us or someone stays with you because we can't even leave you alone to cook!" my mom was frustrated with me.

It really WAS as if I were cooking...

But no... that's wrong...

I swear...

That wasn't it!

Something ELSE had happened...

It took me FOREVER but I finally got the strength to get out of this bed to get to the bathroom to wash my cold sweated face. As I made it to the bathroom, I looked at myself in the mirror. It was awful...

All I saw...

Was a dying person in front of me.

My skin was now literally as white as snow, my scleras were a tint of yellow, the strange colored bags beneath my eyes had came back, my nose was red, my lips had almost NO color... they were... blueish though... showing that I really WAS lacking oxygen. I just wanted to cry. It was purely awful. I looked at the cut on my palm... but that's when I noticed...

This was NO accident...

I gasped as I remembered the REAL reason...

I remembered that my family drove off to the store two towns down. I remember that the past of the girl who was once myself had convinced me that some of these weren't truly my fault. I had a knife in my hand.

I ran down a town far from my home without my family knowing. I purposely left my phone home. I went to a secluded area, specifically a field. It was pouring. Raining heavily but I remembered not even caring. I got the knife, stabbing one of my upper arms which my sleeves had covered, I was close to my throat, but a stranger came and walked by and called the cops on me. I remember running away as fast as I could, however, I ended up slicing my hand in the process...

When I came home I saw my bleeding hand and arm, there was so much blood and after realizing what I had done, I "fainted" from... lack of oxygen...?

But no...

I didn't faint...

I didn't.

I know damn well what happened.

I didn't faint at all.

No.

Because I had remembered...

I felt everything...

Shut down.

I felt the coldness taking over my weak body... then the numbness. I stopped breathing. No air was filling my lungs. I felt it... my heart...

It stopped beating.

Every thing faded away...

My body just...

Shut down...

I had a feeling...

I don't know how to explain.

Acceptance...?

It was like...

My mind, body, AND soul KNEW and accepted I was...

"dead".

I had literally felt every thing stop...

My breathing, my brain, my heart... my life.

My body accepted it's own fate...

And so did I...

Did I... "die"?

Because...

It sure felt like it.

I didn't see anything.

No heaven. No hell.

Just slowly dying off.

I began to break down.

I accepted everything that happened...

One of my cousins texted me to ask if I were alright. I had no feeling what so ever... nothing to respond with...

I lied to them all saying I was ok.

But I knew that deep down...

I wasn't.

Sitting down... for about an hour... thinking about what had happened... what these feelings meant.

"We were so close..." that voice told me.

I put on a very irritated face and didn't even respond to it.

"Do you know what it's like... to die...? Do you know what it's like to be on the edge of dying? Your body accepting it was dying...? Do you know how that feels...?"

...

"Peaceful... it feels peaceful..."

...

"But I know you wont understand that... and you never will... you don't have the feelings I do... we share the same mind... but not the same feeling... so now... leave me the hell alone."

Every thing was silent.

I was just thinking...

Sitting there...

Thinking.


End file.
